Moving my previous posts: GUE LULUS !!!!

Friday, 22 July 2005

Pada hari Kamis, 21 Juli 2005, jam 13.00 gue sidang skripsi gue. Seharusnya gue sidangnya hari Rabunya. tapi ada kesalahan teknis (salah satu dosen penguji lupa.... jadi keburu pulang duluan), jadi sidang gue diundur satu hari.

Tapi, pada hari Kamis, jam 14.45 gue dinyatakan LULUS SIDANG SKRIPSI !!!

tinggal tunggu rapat yudisium, untuk penetapan gue sebagai sarjana S-1.

akhirnya.... setelah merasa salah jurusan, kehilangan motivasi, satu semester dapet E semua, dan kemudian mencari kembali motivasi yang telah hilang.... bekerja, merangkak dari bawah, satu per satu..... ditundanya sidang skripsi satu semester karena (lagi-lagi) kesalahan teknis.... akhirnya.... selese juga hutang gue.

sekarang.... kerja full time as photographer. I AM A PHOTOGRAPHER !!!

Moving my previous posts: Mad, elu tuh sombong!

Sunday, 17 July 2005

Mad, Elu tuh sombong!

sebuah komentar yang sering terdengar di kuping gue beberapa bulan terakhir ini.

tidak, blog ini bukan curhat gue untuk menyangkal komentar itu. dengan kesadaran penuh, dan tanpa emosi yang bergejolak, gue akui. YA! BENAR! SAYA MEMANG SOMBONG!

seorang Madia Krisnadi Widodo.... seorang Madia, dalam proses menjadi seorang Krisna.... yang dalam cerita pewayangan adalah seorang jelmaan dewa yang turun ke bumi 'menyamar' sebagai manusia, yang tugasnya di bumi adalah sebagai wasit. wasit antara pandawa dan kurawa. wasit yang juga tetap memiliki kekurangan dalam mengendalikan emosinya. walaupun beliau adalah seorang jelmaan dewa. sebuah kekurangan, yang pada akhirnya menghancurkan dirinya sendiri dan kerajaannya ketika padawa telah naik ke kayangan.

apakah seorang madia, menganggap dirinya sebagai seorang krisna?? ya dan tidak.

ya
karena itulah nama gue, pemberian orang tua gue, yang tentu saja mengharapkan gue bertindak tanduk seperti sang krisna.

tidak
karena thanks to that expectation, i can not become myself.... at least for quite some times.

that time, i really can not become myself. how come one can become oneself, if he didin't even realise that he could think and have his own opinion.

that time, i was so angry with everybody. i was so angry with my mom, my dad, my sisters, my (so called) friends..... even.... myself. while i was so angry.... i also felt so lonely and wanted to be with those people that i'm angry with. (later i found out that) even kindergarten kids know that angry and friendship couldn't mix in the same bowl.

darah sombong dan keangkuhan memang sudah ada di darah keluarga gue. ditambah 'masalah' gue dengan hubungan pertemanan. temen2 gue dari sd, smp dan sma yang lagi baca blog ini pastinya tahu apa yang gue omongin... hehehehehe.... sorry guys.... itu emang masalah gue.... dan gue 'put the blame on you guys'.
kalau dulu sudah ada tes emotional quotient.... pasti gue dapet nilai jelek hahahahahaha

gila... gue bahkan terkaget2 pas gue baca tulisan gue sendiri yang gue tulis tahun 2000. gue sampe mikir.... "gila... gue dulu kaya gini yah???" hahahahahahaha

anyway.... that was the past.....

now, i'm TRYING to change. masih dalam usaha perbaikan diri.... on-going change... on-going improvement.... kaya ISO 9001:2000 aja hahahahaha

anyway, sombong definately on my "have to change" list. with other things on my list (like "lebih sabar", "kurangi analisa", "percepat ambil keputusan", "dont judge a book from its cover" dan beberapa things on my list).

so... from deep down inside.... i have to say.... thanks for the critiques. thank you very very much.
gila! gue punya seorang teman yang bisa ngomong gitu aja buat gue udah way beyond my expectation.... apalagi sekarang gue bisa dengan yakin bilang.... gue punya BEBERAPA TEMAN yang bisa ingetin gue tentang hal2 seperti ini....

tentu saja tidak melupakan seseorang yang mau menerima gue yang sekarang ini, apa adanya, yang telah mengetahui masa lalu gue, yang percaya dengan masa depan gue.... my angel... my love.... thank you dear....

having friends and someone that could accept me the way i am is a very good clue that.... I HAVE CHANGED !!
i am still in the process of changing madia into krisna.... at least into someone that my parents, my sisters, my friends and the one that i love, could accept. into someone that could be accepted.

so please be patient.... i'm in the process.... it might be a slow process.... but i'm sure i'm on the right path.... please keep reminding me if you guys see me took a wrong turn somewhere....

thank you very much.

---------

Comments:

HHhhhhh - narik nafas lega - kenapa? bersyukurlah orang yang mau membuat pengakuan tentang kekurangan dirinya; nggak semua orang bisa seperti loe loh Mad...
Goewe tuh ke loe rasanya - goewe bisa tau yang loe rasa tapi goewe nggak bisa mengucapkannya (kecuali waktu ampe pala geowe pusing luar biasa berdekatan ama loe - tuh baru deh keluar kata tanya); goewe juga ngerasa klo goewe lagi bergeser kesuatu arah perubahan (padahal goewe tidak berencana merubah apapaun, goewe mo nya memutuskan aja tali persoaalan geowe. Meresahkan banget pergeseran yang lagi berproses di diri goewe; kita berdoa sama sama aja yaa Mad, mudah2an temen2 kita pada tetep sabar berdekatan dan berteman dengan kita. klo lagi nulis gini rasanya ada berjuta kata yang ingin keluar dari mulut goewe untuk curhat ke loe (seperti ada cerita yang tertundah deh rasanya); tapi sudahlah...let's the wind blow - let's the hearts flow...

I'll pray for you, Titin

Posted by: Titin | July 18, 2005 04:29 AM

(deep sigh).... ;P

Finally, gw bisa angkat jempol buat seorang "Ina"....
stlh sekian lama gak ketemu, gak ngobrol2 lg, gak curhat2an lg, trus baca "statement" elu ini, gw cuma bisa bilang "good luck"... itu yg sebenernya pengen gw denger dari dulu.
Just be your self... tapi jgn lupa... you still have friends around you.....

wish you always get the best...

Posted by: Dyah | July 19, 2005 05:35 AM

Hey you....

I know this is an old post, but I want to give my opinion. I feel a 'lil bit sad (and mad) after read your blog.

pertama, tolong yah, bhs inggris nya diperbaikin. ade loe ada 2 euy. ato jgn2 yg elo maksud cuman salah 1 dr ade elo ?? hhmmm ade yg mana yah ??

secondly, one thing for sure my dear brother, we never ask anything more from you. Kita dah trima elo begitu dan spt itu. Walo terkadang sikap elo ga konek di pikiran kita b'2, tapi mungkin itu krn perbedaan jenis kelamin (well, buktinya kita ma kekasih loe bs berpikiran yg sama gitu llhhooo =D)

well eniwei, don't worry, elo brubah ato ga, elo msh tetep punya 2 ade yg ga keberatan utk dijadiin model foto kok.

*hugs*
-d-

Posted by: Dipta | August 14, 2005 05:53 PM

Moving my previous posts: Mad, elo kenapa?

Sunday, 03 July 2005

my friend asked me today.... "mad, elo kenapa sih?"

not that i dont like her concern, but i dont like being pushed as if i know the answer but didnt want to tell her. well, news flash!!! i dont know what happen to me.

all i know, gue males tidur.
badan gue dah remuk.... capek... lengket.... tapi gue males tidur. aneh yah??
gue juga ngak ngerti kenapa gue ngak mau cepet2 tidur.

sekarang aja, gue kaya nunda2. padahal sekarang dah jam 1.45 pagi, dan gue harus bangun jam 6 pagi untuk jemput cewe gue jam 7 pagi.

padahal badan gue dah capek, seharian keliling jakarta.

apakah karena gue mimpi tsunami lagi di pulau jawa??? (damn.... 2 kali mimpi bo!)
apakah karena temen baek gue ikutan jadi korban??? (padahal later on gue tahu, dia dapet masalah aja.... bukan mati)
apakah karena gue masih mikirin skripsi gue?? (padahal ngumpul, tinggal tunggu sidang)
apakah karena gue kepikiran MK-Photography?? (ngak ah... gue ngerasa lagi cuek2nya)
apakah karena ortu?? (ngak juga.... lagi having the best relationship)
apakah karena..... au ah gelap! gue nyari2 !!!

........

gue nyoba tidur aja sekarang.......

Moving my previous posts: Jenuh? Resah? Belebep?

Friday, 17 June 2005

Beberapa hari yang lalu, gue mundur dari semua milis2 yang ikuti. 42 of them. well... tell you the truth, ngak semuanya "individual emails". tapi, beberapa hari yang lalu itu.... gue buat semua "no email".

trus gue cuma bisa ngurung diri di kamar. keluar kalo mo makan n minum aja. ngak tahu deh bonyok perhatiin atau ngak. toh, gue emang biasa di lantai atas..... my sanctuary. my room, my space.

gue mundur karena gue emang ngerasa otak gue overloaded. rasanya "processing" terus. walopun pas tidur. ada aja yang dipikirin. dari yang personal, sampe kerjaan.

tiga hari kemudian gue muncul lagi di dunia permilisan. tapi, lebih selektif dalam memilih milis2 mana yang diperhatikan secara mendetil. selebihnya, "select all, mark read all".

tapi, kegundahan itu tetap ada.
agak mendingan sih. beberapa 'masalah' sudah bisa ditelusuri satu per satu. pressure points lewat satu per satu.

anehnya, gue tetep aja ngak ngerasa tenang.

temen baek gue bilang "sampeyan kie lagi jenuh..." "mlaku mlaku wae nang suroboyo, malang, po ngendi kono..."

bisa jadi gue jenuh. tapi masa jenuh lama banget?

kemaren udah berusaha 'bangun', tapi tetep aja ada yang mengganjal hati.

biasanya sih gue kalo lagi begini disuruh merenung lagi. merevisi nilai2 yang sekarang dipegang. untuk bisa menerima nilai2 baru. kalo kaya komputer, junk dan garbage-nya dah kebanyakan. perlu di refresh dan di reset ulang.

tapi, partner diskusi gue udah ilang. seorang teman baik, ilmunya sudah terlalu tinggi dari gue. pemahamannya udah berbeda. lagipula, gue emang harus ngejalanin ini sendiri. this is my path. and i have to find my way by myself.

sebuah pencerahan baru akan didapat..... jalan baru akan dijalani..... get ready.

Moving my previous posts: Models and their agency world

Tuesday, 14 June 2005

temen gue beberapa hari yang lalu minta tolong sama gue untuk dicariin model. dia bilang nyari untuk iklan media cetak. beli putus.

so i took the chalenge that i thought an easy job. come on.... how hard it is to find a beautiful woman that wanna be a magazine ad. especially with friendster and all those modelling agency inside this thing.

i was dissapointed to find that less than 10 person actually send their photos to me. LESS THAN 10 !! and from that pool, only 1 or 2 women that i think qualified for the job.

i still hoping for the best though. i open the vacancy until 15th... which means i still got 1 more day to gather those women. although i do think it was a futile hope.

oh well.... that means i have to approach them one by one.

Moving my previous posts: Jobs confirms Apple's switch to Intel

Monday, 06 June 2005

Begitu pemegang saham utama setuju untuk menambah modal Mk-Photography untuk pembelian sebuah notebook dengan ceiling sebesar US$1.400, manajemen langsung research harga dan spec's notebook yang ada di pasaran.

dari hasil riset, didapat bahwa US$1.400 amat cukup untuk mendapatkan sebuah iBook 14".

akan tetapi, berita terbaru dari Apple yang menyatakan bahwa Apple akan mengganti prosesornya dengan Intel membuat manajemen berpikir kembali, plus dan minus-nya membeli sebuah iBook sekarang ini.

mudah2an saja, akibat dari berita ini, harga iBook dapat turun lagi. sehingga dapat justified investasi iBook baru.

atau sebaiknya membeli iBook lama (second) sambil menunggu iBook versi intel??

Moving my previous posts: Tired

1 Juni 2005, 05:45 PM

have you ever been in a feeling....

where sleeping is your way out....

when you woke up from your sleep... you woke up from your dream.... you regret it so hard you wish you could just go back to sleep again.

and yet....

the more you sleep... the more you cant sleep....

and you just have to face it... that you need to wake up and face the reality.

and while your body feels like sh*t. badan elo pegelnya setengah mati karena kebanyakan tidur..... you just cant go back to sleep. you just have to face it.

have you ever been there???

have you??

i have.... plenty of times. and this morning.... is one of those morning.

i hate it....

but i cant do anything about it.

i want to let go this anger. i want to be peaceful. but somehow... that anger haunt me. it follow me around. and it eats me piece by piece.... until i cant have any feelings anymore.... until i cant think what i have to do today.... until i cant think my pasion, my dreams, my love.... my angel....

my angel....

she's really an angel.
who keeps giving me a light.... nomatter how dim, low and soft it is.... i still could feel it....

like when you drink a cup of hot tea in the midlle of winter.... your whole body is shivering with cold... but you still could felt the warmft of the tea... flowing down your throat.

and you just could forget the cold that you felt at the rest of your body. suddenly.... the warmft of you throat could give enough support dan warm for the whole body.

and she is that warm for me. she's the only reason.... why i'm not destructing myself bad enough.

she's my angel.....

although i know..... she's not the solution. she's just a cup of hot soup, that i have to take.... before i face the cold and hars reality of my real problems.

Moving my previous posts: Minder

15 May 2005, 11:48 AM

"ya enak lah freelance gitu, gue kalo punya kemampuan kayak elo bakalan pengen juga"

salah satu kata2 yang gue inget, setelah tadi malem chatting sama klien.

so many people believe on my pictures. yet somehow, i still felt that my pictures is not that good.

yes, someone would actually buy my pictures.
yes, someone pays me for my service.

tapi, gue sendiri masih bingung kenapa orang mau bayar foto2 gue.

gue masih belum yakin juga sama foto2 gue.

"thanks mad, foto elu banyak yang muji "

another remark from satisfied client.

seneng juga bisa dapet pujian seperti itu. tapi, gue kok ngerasa foto gue biasa2 aja yah. gue ngebandingin sama foto2 lain di situs weddingku, kok rasanya foto2 gue ngak ada apa2nya yah.

apa gue aja yang minderan?

ngak tahu lah.....

gue sekarang ini lagi meyakinkan diri sendiri, bahwa gue bisa bikin foto bagus, yang orang lain suka dan mau bayar untuk itu.....

damn....

kenapa sih, gue harus punya perasaan ngak yakin sama diri sendir??

ngak motret.... ngak ngeramal.... fu*k !!

Moving my previous posts: Jenuh

13 May 2005, 12:56

Pernah ngerasa jenuh??

Pernah ngerasa bosen??

gue sering.

dan entah kenapa, selalu dateng pada saat yang tidak tepat.
tapi, pikir2, bosen emang udah pasti selalu datengnya pas di waktu2 yang ngak tepat.

ngak mungkin ada waktu yang tepat untuk datengnya bosen.

deadline gue udah di depan mata.

kerjaan gue sekarang ini cukup banyak. not that i'm complaining though.... i love it. it keeps me thinking and active. gue malah lebih males kalo 'kurang beban' kalo boleh pinjem istilah bokap.

sebenernya sih load gue ngak gitu terlalu banyak juga.

tinggal time management yang bener... semua pasti bisa ke-handle.

dari skripsi gue yang harusnya kumpul tanggal 20, tapi ternyata deadline-nya malah maju gara2 ada prospek kerjaan pas tanggal 18 sampe 20. alhasil, deadline jadi maju ke tanggal 17.

but it is totally ok.
i mean, it motivate me to work.

so.... skripsi is not a problem....

trus... kenapa gue nulis di sini lagi???

ngak tahu juga sih.... kepala gue lagi buntu aja. di kepala gue lagi ada banyak sekali ide-ide... pikiran2.... kebosanan... kejenuhan....

jadi gue pengen ngomong apa aja yang lewat di kepala gue...

entah itu baek... entah itu buruk... pokoknya yang penting keluar dari kepala gue.

gue bosen.

biasanya sih, kalo lagi bosen gini.... ide2 untuk motret malah berseliweran di kepala gue.

anehnya... kali ini.... ndak tuh....

gue dah ngerasa mentok. gue pengen belajar lebih banyak lagi. ilmu foto gue lagi jalan di tempat. dan gue ngak suka itu.

gue pengen eksperimen.... gue pengen berkarya.... justru di masa2 kaya gini gue pengen motret.

sebel toh... tadi denger gue bosen dan males motret... tapi sekarang bilang kalo mau motret.

ngak tahu lah....

gue lagi bosen aja..... makanya gue nulis di sini....
namanya juga tempat sampah... terserah toh gue mo naro apa aja di sini.

Moving my previous posts: Pengakuan

11 Agustus 2004, 11:34 AM

Pengakuan...

mungkin itu yang gue butuhin.
makanya gue berusaha baek ke semua orang di luar lingkungan rumah gue. makanya gue berusaha menjadi superman bagi semua orang.

karena gue ngak dapet pengakuan itu dari rumah gue. karena omongan gue ngak di dengerin di rumah gue. mungkin karena gue emang terlalu sensitif dan rapuh terhadap komen2 yang diberikan orang lain ke gue. terlebih2 komen yang diberikan oleh keluarga gue sendiri.

but then again....
kalau yang dicari adalah pengakuan dari keluarga gue, kenapa gue harus nyarinya di luar? bisa jadi karena di luar sana, lebih mudah mencari dan mendapatkan pengakuan. ketimbang pengakuan dari keluarga sendiri.

yah... jawabannya jadi simple dong....

tinggal gue lulus dengan baek. dapet stempel itu. dapet kertas itu. gue akan 'terbebas' dari 'beban' itu....

gelo... ujung2nya di situ juga....

Moving my previous posts: LDR

7 Agustus 2004, 5:05 PM

ada satu komen di kaskus yang gue pengen simpen....
---------

LDR?? sama dong...

cuma bedanya, gue baru 1 tahun saja.

resiko ldr emang banyak. terlebih2, ndak bisa 'melihat' langsung kegiatan si pacar. dan komunikasi hanya lewat sms ato telpon.

tapi, kalo emang ngerasa pasangan kita itu lebih berharga dan bernilai, dari resiko2 ldr (nahan kangen, cemburu dan curiga), jalanin aja.

mengenai jalan sama cewe (ato cowo lain in my case), kalo gue sih cuek2 aja. mau dia jalan sama cowo lain, bahkan di deketin cowo lain sampe nge-date bareng.... gue tetep akan cuek. apakah gue panas? mungkin..... biasanya sih iya. tapi... gue berusaha nahan. gue akan tetep ngebiarin cewe gue ketemu orang sebanyak yang dia pengen.

kenapa? simple aja sih.... kalo emang mau selingkuh, ndak perlu LDR juga bisa kok. memang, LDR tuh memberi lebih banyak kesempatan. tapi, ndak perlu pake LDR untuk selingkuh. kalo emang 'bakat'nya selingkuh.... ya selingkuh aja dia.

dan karena gue percaya 100% sama cewe gue, dan kita emang mau ngejalanin apapun untuk bisa ngebuat hubungan ini berjalan. gue percaya 100% bahwa cewe gue ngak akan macem2 sama cowo2 itu. gue percaya 100% cewe gue bisa jaga batas2nya.

jadi, kalo dia emang bisa jaga bates2nya sekarang..... dia akan tetep bisa jaga bates2nya besok, lusa dan masa2 yang akan datang.

sehingga, hidup gue akan lebih tenang.

tapi.... itu kalo gue loh.....
tiap orang kan beda2 toh?

Moving my previous posts: Selingkuh?

21 May 2005, 10:31 PM

ada komen yang gue bikin di kaskus, yang gue pengen simpen...

here goes....

i got one yang masih punya harapan sama gue (beberapa waktu yang lalu. dan ini gue tahunya dari dia sendiri). basiclly, kapanpun gue pengen balik sama dia, dia pasti mau. gue juga masih baek sama dia. emang ngak tiap hari ato minggu telpon2an. tapi, kalo dia lagi butuh curhat dan keinget gue, dia akan nelpon gue. selama ini sih gue belum pernah curhat2an sama dia. but, if i need it... i would do it.

mantan, bagi gue adalah temen. temen deket. ada tempat khusus lah.... deket banget juga ngak, tapi musuh juga bukan. ini beneran terlepas dari dia masih arepin gue ato ngak.

kalo ada mantan gue yang masih ngejar2 gue, ya gue sih cuek aja. gue yang kontrol emosi dan perasaan gue. karena, cuma itu yang bisa gue kontrol. gue kan ngak mungkin bisa kontrol emosinya dia.

masalah ketemu, nelpon2an ato yang lain2.... ya tergantung situasi lahh.... kaya temen aja. kalo emang bisa ketemu.... ya ketemu. kalo emang ngak bisa, ya ngak dipaksaain. tapi, kalo emang dia butuh gue... ya gue akan dateng.

simple kan? kaya temen biasa aja. kalo ada temen yang butuh, ya elo dateng. tapi, kalo sampe maksain, ya tergantung skala prioritas kegiatan elo saat itu.

trus, what if cewe gue masih sering jalan sama mantannya? so what? kalo dia emang mo jalan... ya monggo. silahkan. gue ngak keberatan sama sekali. SAMA SEKALI.

i've been through worse.
gue pernah punya cewe yang punya 'selingkuhan' tidak resmi (baca: kakak ketemu gede). trus, gue juga pernah punya cewe yang jalan sama cowo yang jelas2 have a crush on her. mereka pergi date. kencan. berdua aja. nonton dan makan.
so what? gue ngak ada hak untuk ngelarang2 dia kok.

apakah gue jeles? cemburu? iya. gue cemburu. tapi gue kontrol. karena gue percaya penuh sama gue sendiri.... gue percaya penuh sama pasangan gue.

pasangan kita tuh, kalo emang niat selingkuh.... niat cari pacar lain (selain gue).... caranya gampang banget. playboy2 (dan playgirl2) di kaskus pasti tahu banget trik2nya. i even know a friend of a friend, yang pernah punya pacar sampe 4 !!! and they could get away with it.....

jadi, ngapain nyiksa diri sendiri (dan pasangan) dengan ngelarang2. ngak ada gunanya. yang ada malah ketakutan yang ngak perlu. kita jadi kepikiran, pasangan kita akan cheat on us or not. hati malah ngak tenang.

kalo hati dah ngak tenang.... ngapain lagi pacaran? pacaran tuh untuk mencari calon pasangan seumur hidup. pasangan seumur hidup adalah seseorang yang bisa membuat hati dan perasaan kita tenang dan damai.

kalo pasangan kita adalah orang yang bikin kita malah ngak tenang, pusing dan bt..... ngapain punya pasangan???

Moving my previous posts: Poem and Prayer

5 April 2004, 12:42 PM

A poem i found when reading....

O God!
If I worship You in fear of Hell.
burn me in it;
and if I worship You in hope of Paradise,
exclude me from it;
but if I worship You for Your own being,
do not withhould from me
Your Everlasting beauty.

=====
Which makes me remember a prayer that i really like.....

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love,
Where there is injury, pardon
Where there is doubt, faith,
Where there is despair, hope,
Where there is darkness, light,
Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much
seek to be consoled as to console,
not so much to be understood as to understand,
not so much to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
it is in dying that we awake to eternal life.

Moving my prevous posts: Jawaban dari Penguasa Jagat

5 April 2004, 06:34 AM

then again.... setelah di pikir2....

Engkau begitu sederhana. saking sederhananya, kami manusia tidak mampu mengertiMu. semua pertanyaan2 itu.... sebenernya udah tahu jawabnya. jawab sederhananya. akan tetapi, otak manusia yang terlalu canggih (thanks to You also), memerlukan jawaban2 yang lebih rumit untuk bisa di cerna. padahal, semakin rumit, semakin tidak mengeri pula kami kepada Engkau.

jadi inget sebuah puisi yang pernah gue baca....

O God!
If I worship You in fear of Hell.
burn me in it;
and if I worship You in hope of Paradise,
exclude me from it;
but if I worship You for Your own being,
do not withhould from me
Your Everlasting beauty.

Moving my previous posts: Pertanyaan kepada Penguasa Jagat

4 April 2004, 06:13 AM

kalo gue ketemu sama penguasa Jagat, apa yang gue tanyain.... hmm... ..

- kenapa manusia tidak diberi kemampuan untuk mengerti Engkau?
- kenapa manusia diberi sifat serakah?
- kenapa Engkau menurunkan agamaMu di daerah Arab sono?
- kenapa ngak di Jawa sini?
- bagaimana bisa mengerti sistem keadilanMu?
- what is right?
- what is wrong?
- how can we know for sure?
- apakah ibadahku di terima?
- kenapa ibadahku tidak diterima?
- bagaimana bisa mengerti alasanMu memberikan takdir seperti ini?
- katanya takdir bisa dirubah, tapi, katanya takdir merupakan ketetapan alam. mana yang benar?
- kalau takdir ketetapan alam, berarti sudah ditentukan kita masuk surga atau neraka?
- kenapa manusia lebih mementingkan surga dan nerakaMu ketimbang berusaha mengenal Engkau sendiri?
- apakah sistem 'punishment and reward' yang Engkau terapkan (dengan memberikan neraka dan surga) memang memudahkan manusia mengenal Engkau?
- orang bilang, mengenal Engkau begitu mudah. tapi, bagaimana mengenal Engkau bisa saya harus mengenal adat Arab terlebih dahulu?
- apakah adat Arab lebih tinggi ketimbang adat yang ada di belahan dunia lain?

duh... jadi banyak....
segitu dulu deh.....

Moving my previous posts: Islam??

2 April 2004, 2:22 PM

islam...

what is islam actually is?

it is a religion...... yes! i know it is a religion....

but what is a religion? is it something that we just have to accept it is true? something that came from arabic world.... created according to their language... which makes us asian harder to understand the religion.

how do you know your shalat is accepted? how do you know that you are doing the right thing? how do you know that your prayer is being answered?

you dont know the language.... you cant understand every meaning of the word that you've spoken... you've chanted... you've asked for....
if yourself can not understand what's the meaning of what your saying.... how can The Creator could understand what you asked for? you yourself can not understand it.

learning arabic letters?
right.... and then you would think that The Creator only understand arab?
then you would think that if you didn't say the right arab word..... the meaning will be different... and what you've asked for will be different.

tha't funny......
like The Creator didn't know what's been troubling me.
like The Creator didn't have anything to do with my destiny.... which we all know it is come from Him/Herself. it is the Great Creator own design.... specifically for you..... and only you and The Creator know the relationship......

and yet....
you know that islam is the answer. you know that islam would give what you've been looking for. you just dont know what to embrace and believe. you just dont know where to look.....

some people already suggest some ways you could know what to believe and what to embrace. but that would in fact against what you've currently believe in.

the cards (tarot card) sez that i have to become The Fool. i have to be reborn again. i have to be someone that didn't know anything.... just born and walking in this world.... brand new. no preconception. no knowledge. just believe what you're doing its right and trust your feeling.

should i believe it?

damn.... kenapa sih gue dikasi otak yang selalu mencari2 jawaban ini?

padahal elo sendiri tahu, jawabannya baru akan ketemu..... kalau kita berhenti mencari.

hmm.....
ketika kamu mulai mencari Tuhan, kamu semakin menjauh dariNya..... where did i heard that....

oh... my angel... my girlfriend..... in the middle of her confusion and panick... that i, her boyfriend, her savior, her guidance.... start to think to leave islam. start to search for Allah. and by doing so.... i would lost my believe in islam and that would forced her to leave me......

damn...

and i cant talk to anybody else.... beside myself.

hmm....
ketika berhenti mencari..... disitulah kamu akan menemukan jawabannya.
dan kalau di balik...
semakin engkau mencari, semakin jauh engkau dengan jawabannya......

ada di mana yah....... cari ah....

Moving my previous posts: Un-stopable Train

2 April 2004, 01:47 PM

have you ever been....... have you ever been told that the whole thing that you believe it's true.... it's not.

have you ever been told to change what you believe in.....

have you ever felt that there is something wrong in what you believe it's true.... it's just something that is not right.... you can't tell exactly what it is..... but you just felt it.... in your guts....

worse still.... you realize that there is nothing you can do to fight it.

because it flows like a raging water.....
like a train....

............ hmm......

life is confusing.
undestanding life, how it evolves, how it runs, how it rotate......

how the life around you... came alive....
how things that you never really sure exist..... show itself in front of your eyes.....
how things that you think as a bonus in life..... became an obsession......

it drive you crazy....
it give you difficulty when breathing.....

it just banging in your mind..... yelling to be opened... yelling to be acknowledged.... yelling to be accepted....

somebody said that it going to be a graduall process.... it is going to be hard, but graduall.....

but i didn't felt it like gradual...
i flet it like unstopable train.... created special to hit you.... to crushed you.....

until you surender..... and giving up what you believe in....

risking your own life... your own reputation.... your own family..... your own future....

i know i have to accept it.....

to make peace with myself. so icould grow and learn more.....

but where to begin?
but where to start?
but what to embrace?

listen to your heart, some said..... listen to your inner voice, other suggest....

as your inner voice is the voice of absolute truth....

i really have to make peace with myself........

Moving my previous posts: Superman

1 April 2004, 12:39 AM

i just tried to help a friend. that's all. no other intention...... sincere.....

but i know i can not be like Superman. saving everybody. i just tried to help a friend in need.

i know how lonely it is...... having noone to talk to, noone to share with, noone could ease your burden.

i know what they've been through. i've been there, remember?
and i don't want my friend learn what i've learned, the hard way. i dont want them to go on and on and on.... without any progress.

gue sendiri sekarang ini sedang berusaha sekuat tenaga untuk bisa 'membayar' apa yang telah gue lakukan dan putuskan di masa lalu. gue ngak peduli sama orang2 yang ngomong gue sekolah 10 tahun. gue ngak peduli sama orang2 yang menyayangkan waktu gue yang terbuang percuma. gue gnak peduli sama orang2.... yang punya secarik kertas (yang seharusnya menyatakan bahwa si pemegang kertas mampu mengerjakan tugas tertentu), tapi ternyata tidak bisa melakukan apa2.

gue melakukannya untuk my angel.
gue melakukanya untuk anak gue ("supaya bisa jadi panutan anaknya mas" kata my angel)

gue ngelantur....
gue dah ngantuk...
gue tidur dulu yah....

sweet dream my angel, sleep tight, take care *kiss**hug*....... wherever you are....

Moving my previous posts: Karma

30 March 2004, 12:12 PM

this is how i understand karma.

karma works like physics law. in every action, there will be equal and opposite reaction.

so, in every good intention, there will be equal and opposite good intention. vice versa. in every bad intention, there will be equal and opposite bad intention.

so, if we do something good to anyone (or anything), there will be something good that going to come back to us. if we do something bad to anyone (or anything), there will be something bad that going to come back to us.

i think in every religion, this principle is being thought. although only in budhism that the word karma really popular.

what if, we already do something good, we still get something bad? well... there are at least two possible answer to that:
1. you still have a debt in karma to settle, or
2. your good karma is postponed until you finally prepared to accept it.

how do we pay our bad karma, the one that we did and now sorry about.... well, i already explained it above.

in the mean time, try to keep doing your good karma. things like patients, not greedy, honesty, and things like that. you know lah.... it is in every religion and believes.

hopefully, this could help.

hmm... and one more thing. maap banget kalo terkesan menggurui. niat dari gue cuma mau sharing pengetahuan aja. dan itu tidak berarti gue pinter, tapi artinya gue dah malaluinya terlebih dahulu. diterima ato ngak ilmu ini, ya terserah yang mendengar (ato membaca). sekali lagi... hanya menyampaikan aja

Moving my previous posts: She's going home

29 March 2004, 06:23 AM

she's gone home to Semarang....

sedih... miss her already.
sometimes i wonder, kenapa kita dipertemukan...... dan ditetapkan kalo kita harus menjalanin hubungan dengan cara ini......

oh well... ndak mau terlalu mempertanyakan apa yang ngak gue ngerti. dah terlalu banyak hal yang ndak gue ngerti.... ngak mau nambah2in.

back to work.
laporan kp, beresin foto2, dan lain lain, dan lain lain.....

work work work..... so that i could present her....... our dream.

thank you my angel.... for supporting me and motivated me all the way. i know you would accept me the way i am, but i will work very hard to change myself.... to become the best me i can be.

thank you angel, love you angel...... miss you already

Moving my previous posts: Destiny

22 March 2004, 09:49 AM

and the train has hit me.......

surprisingly, gue malah lebih tenang. malah lebih enak berpikir and mulai meng-ekslorasi dunia baru ini. sebenernya sih ngak terlalu baru juga, karena gue sebenernya sudah mengetahuinya.... tapi, sekarang eksplorasinya lebih menenangkan karena gue dah menerima bahwa itu memang telah menjadi takdir gue.

also found a very very good book. isinya ternyata menjelaskan dan mempertanyakan hampir semua pertanyaan2 yang sudah ada di otak.... tapi tidak tahu bagaimana mengungkapkannya. karena terlalu banyak. karena terlalu kontroversial. karena terlalu mendasar........ karena menari dibatasan kepercayaan yang udah gue anut selama ini...... karena salah melangkah, konsekwensinya berat.

menyenangkan bukan.... bisa melihat dan merasakan semua hal dan kejadian benar2 dipersiapkan khusus untuk kita. bagaimana sekeliling kita seperti berkonspirasi untuk membantu kita dalam menjalani hidup. some people said that it is destiny.

bener2 membuat berpikir bahwa kita itu benar2 kecil dan tak berdaya dalam mengatur semua ini. membuat kita pasrah dan rendah diri...... karena.... manusia hanyalah sebuah wayang... yang dimainkan dalam kehidupan ini.....

mudah2an ini memang untuk kebaikan.......
mudah2an lingkungan gue bisa menerima gue.....
mudah2an..... gue ngak sendiri.....

Moving my previous posts: Values

16 March 2004, 01:44 AM

what happen..... if you start to feel, that something that you hold as your believe.... you hold as your sets of values.... turns out to be something that did not fit you.

your sets of values, conflicting what you've seen, hear, smell, taste, feel.........

should i take those values just like that.... without considering what i've been experiencing?..... totally ignoring what i actually feel?? just because you've been told that those values are the right ones.... and yours are not.

or

should i accept that i am different.... and start looking for another new sets values...... that is very very VERY different from majority of people?

i have to find the answer.....

but after all this time searching for the answer.... asking questions.... discussing..... i came to a new conclusion, that....

i wont find the answer from another human being or any other force out there. i have to find it by my self.... inside of me.

damn..... i begining to feel that the train is indeed coming..... and it is very very near....

Moving my previous posts: Ticket anyone?

14 March 2004, 01:18 AM

discussed something hard today. not conclusive.... but it opens my mind and gave me a new insight of things that i've been searching for.

you've been given a special ticket. a special ticket to feel what happens in the nature. a special ticket to know and feel what happens around you.
this special ticket gave you special access to a force that is greater that yourself.

i still dont know what this force is. i cant say it is the Creator. all i know, i have and hold this special ticket. and obviously, The Creator gave me the ticket.

unfortunately, the ticket comes without instructions of how to use it.
all i know, i have to use it very very very very wisely.

musrik..... itu jebakan paling paling berat.

...... arrrrggghhhhhhhh

i cant process this much of information in one instance. man.... i wish i could see Mohammad and ask him what should i do....

Moving my previous posts: Pasrah 2

6 March 2004, 10:43 AM

decide not to ask.... find my own conclusion.... sort of....like always. damn... i hate it when im like that. it is like im a freaky or something like that....

ok... let structurize....

you know it is a big responsibility. you know you dont have to tell everything, because you are the only one that could read it. you just have to use the right words for delicate matters. you know that all along. you just have to be very very very careful with you mouth. or you could literally.... kill someone.

but...

what about myself? i could read it. i know it is for me. i know whether it is bad... and i know wheter it is good. i know it.

the question is not whether you know it or not. the real question is whether you could accept it or not.

but then again... it is the path to follow. you just have to walk the path. accepting really is something that we have to learn. because there is nothing in this world that could change it.

or is there?

one man destiny is in his own hands.

what if what you read is just something that could motivate you.... that could make you work harder to prove that.... it is wrong.
what if.... it just another plot... another path... that you have to take. a milestone... that you being 'cheat' by your own reading... in order to motivate yourself?

damn confusing this world. why cant we just accept it.... why does our Creator gives us greed and ego? gives us ego that makes us didnt want to accept our loss, defeat, frustration.....

i know it is a lesson for us. so that we could learn something from that experience. but, isnt it more simple we could just sit down... and listen...the things we should do or should not do.

but then again... who should we listen? people experience are different. or maybe... should i say.... people experiences are almost the same..... it is their own reaction, perception, and decision, that made them different. make us unique. and from all this unique individual.... our Creator could set and plot yet another different plot for us to learn.....

so... back to the question....
we have to accept. we have to accept illness, so that we could joy healthyness. we have to accept riots.... so we could realise the good in peace. or is it like that.....

gila... manusia emang bener2 kecil yah.... otaknya bener2 ngak mampu untuk memecahkan hal yang semudah ini. hal yang seharusnya mudah..... menjadi begitu sulit untuk diterima.

so... like it or not, i think i know what is the conclusion. i have to learn to accept. the way it is.... i cant change what is being written. it is beyond your own power and capabilities. hmm... back to the same question again....

how to change. .... how to accpet.....

what is to afraid? sengsara? perhaps....

hmm.... cant be solved. try another way lah....i'll let you know what's my decision...

Moving my previous posts: Pasrah

6 March 2004, 10:04 AM

duh...
kenapa yah kok gue masih belum bisa pasrah?

"hidup seseorang tuh udah ada garisnya. tidak akan ada kebetulan di dunia ini. yang ada hanyalah pengaturan oleh yang dilakukan oleh Yang Mencipta kita........ "

those are my own words yesterday. but, how come i cant accept it myself? how come i still want to deny it? that every good and bad is just another path to travel..... why cant i have the wisdom to accept it?

again... it is just another path to travel. you just to pass through it. damn.....

it just reading milestones in our life. the turning points. the moment of truth. but how come i cant accept it just the way it is.... that, that is the path that we have to follow.

accepting reallity is a lot easier when you just an observer. but, when you ARE the subject (or object?) of that reallity..... it is harder to accept. especially when you know the reallity few months ahead.

it is like you know that a big truck is going to hit you.

hmmm.... found another analogy...... coba ah tanya.....

Rumah Baru

Hari ini gue memutuskan untuk pindah rumah. Setelah melihat performa dari friendster yang agak2 makin menurun 'pamor'nya...

so....

This will be my new home.... for a while maybe.....